Like many conversations involving notable nose beards, this one was quick to draw attention of Dr. Aaron Perlut chairman of the St. Louis-based American Mustache Institute. Perlut – a frequent contributor on JoeSportsFan.com – called in unsolicited to The King’s Court to discuss the challenges faced by mustached Americans and soon found himself drawn into a debate with Slaten.

What follows is the audio of said debate, now known as the “Stache/Off”:

Even as a former mustache-wearer, Slaten refused to offer an special treatment to those sporting upper lip forests in 2012.

In other words, prepare yourself, Jeff Fisher. You won’t get off easy.

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What we do know is that five caravans are headed out to various regions this week and each will include some legit big league names. Not always the case.  The same event in 2005 featured Bo Hart, Mike Lincoln, Carmen Cali, Ray King and John Mabry as the big league talent – not exactly a murderers row.

If ever there was a time to line up some serious talent to hit the road, it’s after a World Series when the fans are drooling at the thought of attending any team related event. With that in mind, we pulled the event roster from the last post-World Series Caravan and compared it to this year’s in some key categories to test our theory that the Cardinals road trip has stepped up its game the last few years…

Major League Talent
2012: The World Series MVP, the guy who recorded the final out of the World Series, the team’s #2 starter last season, that lefty whose name you can’t spell or pronounce, heck even the newly hired manager will be out on the road mingling with Cardinals fans.  Head to any of the Caravan stops and you’ll run into some names you watched last season – Motte, Rzepczynski, Boggs, Jay, Descalso, Freese, Garcia, Salas are amongst those who will be in attendance. 

2007: Well, hey at least J-Rod was there teaching middle America how to act like an extra on an episode of Jersey Shore. Outside of him you had names like Randy Flores, Brendan Ryan, Anthony Reyes, Brad Thompson, Josh Kinney, Tyler Johnson and Aaron Miles.  Not much star power in that bunch. 

Edge: 2012

World Series Hero Factor:
2012: For a kid to have pen in hand, standing in front of the guy who made Game 6 one of the greatest of all time would be a pretty good reason to meet up with Caravan 3 in Columbia this year. David Freese is a solid draw these days – just ask Jay Leno.

2007: Jeff Weaver wasn’t invited and David Eckstein was probably rescuing puppies from a burning building or something equally charming, so of the lineup the 2007 Caravan offered, the name taking the role of World Series hero had to be Anthony Reyes, who led the Birds to a big Game 1 victory in Detroit.

Edge: 2012. That is of course unless you just really wanted to ask Anthony Reyes what hair product he used (looking at Sebek right now).

Prospect Hype
2012: Going into the 2011 season, Shelby Miller checked in at the #13 spot on the Baseball America prospect list. But in addition to that, fans now get to interact with him on Twitter which means we get to respond when he solicits input about his hair.  It’s like they already know each other!

  
2007: When the 2007 Caravan headed out, Colby Rasmus was #29 on the list, but quickly jumped into the Top 5 the following year.  So everyone who got his signature had it stored away waiting for him to become the star he was destined to become.  Then he got shipped to Toronto and everyone headed to eBay.
 
Edge: Push

Scrappers
2012: Official listings have Shane Robinson coming in at 5’9″, 160lbs, so he’s got the measurables to be considered a scrapper.  But with only 20 games to this point in his career, he’s sorely lacking in the head first slides into first base category.  We’ll see what he can do this season.

2007: Skip Schumaker and Aaron Miles were involved. Say no more. 

Edge: 2007

Retired Veterans
2012: The list of veterans in 2012 has expanded to the point where the only ones there in 2007 that aren’t going again this year are Ken Dayley and Kenny Reitz. That said, they’re also adding on names like Kerry Robinson and John Costello to tag along.  Apparently retired Cardinals players love them some free bus rides through the Midwest.

2007: Unless Ken Dayley and Kenny Reitz have significantly more drawing power than we would suspect, this is an uphill battle for the 2007 crew.

Edge: 2012

Retired Veteran Scrappers
2012: As mentioned earlier, Rex Hudler is going on this trip and, despite only playing three seasons in St. Louis, he may get a standing ovation which is the ultimate payoff for a scrapper.

2007: If someone else flipped their bat like Tom Lawless after he hit a homerun in the ’87 World Series it probably would have been categorized as completely disrespectful to the Twins pitcher.  But Lawless was short and white, hit .080 during the season and played in St. Louis.  The bat flip is legendary.

Edge: 2012

Unintentional Confusion
2012: Guarantee that someone in Mattoon, IL sees the lineup for their Caravan stop, reads the name “Carpenter” and is freaking pumped that the Game 7 winner is headed to their city to sign autographs and radiate intensity.  Then they arrive and see the nameplate reading “Matt Carpenter”. No offense, Matt, but getting the wrong Carpenter can sting.

2007: We’re positive that someone introduced themselves to Randy Flores by saying “Hi, Ron”. Even more confusing was that the Cardinals signed Ron Flores a few years later.

Edge: 2012

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So its official - with more big name talent, more retired star-power, the hero factor, prospect hype and Rex Hudler all working in its favor, it’s clear that 2012′s Caravan will be a notch above the last time it headed out after a World Series victory. 

If only they can get Carmen Cali to come aboard, it might match the 2005 version. 

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We had a surly Norm Stewart taking on a toupe’d Lou Henson, names like Melvin Booker going against Deon Thomas, freshman Kiwane Garris blowing two free throws in OT that could have won the game and having all of taking place in the beautiful Arena a year before it was demolished.

But as many times as you’ve probably heard old people tell those tales, it’s probably better that we just cue up an audio-challenged YouTube clip that shows it all…

It’s long overdue but it’s finally here – local sports media, athletes coaches and personalities come together to celebrate the holidays with “St. Louis Sings the Holiday Classics – Part 2″.  No compilation will ever top this lineup of instant classics…

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As you know by now, when we dig into the JSF Inbox, we rarely get any e-mails inquiring with us about our opinions of the new offensive sets a coach has implemented and such nonsense.  Nope, we get photos that pit two fan bases against each other in a battle to see which can have the more inexplicable pair of fans desperate to stand out amongst their peers. And when you’re looking for a way to catch the spotlight in the middle of a rabid group of (mostly) drunken college students, it takes some imagination. 

Or in the case of the Indiana crew, it takes the always reliable and properly accessorized gorilla suits…

Can you see anything happening on the court that sits twenty feet away?  Nope. Will your chances of being shown on TV go up substantially?  Yep.  So I guess that justifies it. 

On Mizzou’s side however, there was a pair of men who went the other direction.  Instead of impairing their view of the game, they chose instead to impair the view of those standing around them.  Mainly because there aren’t many people who want to see two fellas wearing outfits like this…

Apparently the cameras did not share the same fear as they got facetime in each of the last two Mizzou games according to our statkeepers. 

Maybe we’re homers, but anytime we see one group of fans dressed as gorillas and one group of fans that look like they just strolled in from an audition to join Motley Crue circa 1984, we give the advantage to the latter.

Sorry, Hoosiers.

[If you come across any JSF Inbox-worthy items, send them to info@joesportsfan.com]

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The sign got some local attention and no doubt wound up in front of Clark Hunt and Scott Pioli, to whom it was addressed.  Mission accomplished…

Maybe Rams fans could learn a lesson in adequately expressing their disappointment with yet another horrid season by the home team.  The good thing is that, while the Chiefs fan went on a 100-word diatribe about all that has gone wrong with their franchise – even at one point requesting a free hot dog – we’re thinking Rams fans can be a little more concise with their message:

When a team is putting the finishing touches on one of the worst three-year stretches in modern NFL history, their may need to be some wholesale changes in order.  Hopefully the bold fan who slaps up this banner lives in one of Kroenke’s neighborhoods.

We’ll go with “not likely”. 

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In 11 games as head coach, Vitt racked up an impressive four wins against New Orleans, Jacksonville, Houston and the Dallas Cowboys setting his winning percentage at .364. And that was with Larry Marmie as his defensive coordinator. 

When compared to what Rams fans have seen since then, it was a magical time.

While he may have looked more like an extra from Goodfellas than an NFL head coach, by winning less than forty percent of his games, Vitt apparently set the bar at “unmitigated debacle”, a level that the next three coaches would not be able to approach during their tenures.  

Scott Linehan’s reign ended 11-25 (.306 WP) winning just three of his last 20 games. When Linehan was canned four games into the 2008 season, Jim Haslett exploded onto the scene by winning his first two, prompting certain columnists who will go unnamed (cough* Burwell *cough) to firmly declare that he needed to get the full time job.  He lost his next ten and was relieved of duties after the season. 

Then it was Steve Spagnuolo and his four pillar system roaring into town and racking up 10 wins in 45 games, looking more and more overwhelmed each week. 

The conclusion is simple: none of them could match up with the fringe mediocrity that Joe Vitt brought to the table. 

Oh sure, we had Martz, Vermeil, The Greatest Show on Turf and all that, but considering how much of a beating the pysche of Rams fans has taken over the last seven years, we can only remember the days when the franchise was a punching bag for even pedestrian NFL teams with last night being the most depressing exhibit.  And of the last four coaches to grace the Rams sidelines during that time, one stands head and shoulders above the rest…even though 99% of the Rams fans in St. Louis have no idea what his name was.

It was Joe Vitt, people.  And considering how horrendous this team has been dating back to his brief stretch as the CEO of the sidelines, we never knew how good it felt to win 36% of the games they played.

Thanks to what Linehan, Haslett and now Spagnuolo have brought to the table, we call those “the good old days”. 

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And when the battle lines are drawn and the war begins, there is only one place for the first shots to be fired.

eBay. 

As our exhaustive research has shown, those looking to make a bold statement co-mingled with those looking to make a profit and neither side failed to proudly declare which side of the fence they were on:

The Angels Contingent…

The Cardinals Contingent…

In the end, we have no choice but to call this fight a draw.  There was no winner. Well except the guy who just signed a contract worth a quarter of a billion dollars. 

He made out okay.

With all the hype firing up about the Marlins becoming serious players in the Pujols Sweepstakes at this year’s Winter Meetings, the question is, will he be able to keep his trademark number? 

One might think it’s a no-brainer because the Marlins have never had a player good enough to have his number retired.  Sorry, Jeff Conine and Dontrelle Willis, you just don’t qualify. And, as we’ve noted, their mohawk’d prophet fans think there will be no problems.  So what’s the hold up?

Carl Barger says Albert will have to find a new number to put on the back of those hideous new Marlins jerseys.

Barger was hired as the Marlins first President in 1991, but just a year later – before the franchise had played their first game – Barger died after collapsing at the 1992 Winter Meetings.  The team named their training complex after their inaugural president and retired the number 5 in his honor.  According to Wikipedia, the number was chosen for Barger because his favorite player, Joe Dimaggio, wore it throughout his career with the Yankees. 

Conclusion: if you sign with the Marlins, Albert, be ready to pick out a new number, new logo and new restaurant name. 

Of course, the restaurant could make a subtle change to “Pujols $200 million”.  Has a nice ring to it.

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Then once that thought passed, we figured giving a peek into some of the bizarre contents of our inbox is at least a good way to spice up a lazy Friday.

So today, we dip in and take a look at an artful shot of a fan enjoying a Rams game…while his shimmering scalp enjoys the lack of natural light at the Ed Jones Dome.  Hey, the watching a Birds game at Busch is great and all, but it’s never a bad thing to take in a local sporting event without having to spend 10 minutes sunscreening your noggin’…

We know that stress can cause hair loss and we also know that watching the St. Louis Rams bumble through another horrible season can be stressful, but we’re proud that this soldier refused to concede the backside of his mullet.  That takes dedication.

Of course, we’re not willing to rule out the possibility that former skullet-wearing hockey legend Al Iafrate just popped into a Rams game either. 

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