Oh, and the Rams. Hey, they’re still in St. Louis. At least, that’s what league sources are telling us.

This cornucopia of local athletic excellence means one thing: an evolution of weirdo fans.

It’s a proven fact: when subjects on the field succeed, their counterparts off the field raise their game exponentially.  Higher levels of intoxication, more egregious costumes, increased willingness to be photographed.  Thankfully, our dedicated staff of fan hunters were there throughout the year to capture the action.

And thus, we present our Top Twenty-Five from 2011.

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#25: Albert Pujols Cubs Fan

We begin with this fan because he helped set the tone for arguably the biggest St. Louis sports story of 2011.  Namely, that Albert Pujols wasn’t going to be a member of the Cardinals forever.  While Pujols didn’t end up in the Windy City, it set mood of perpetual nervousness and bittersweet success in St. Louis.

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#24: The Pujols Family

Just to be clear: our fan hunters raised their game this year.  It’s no longer about finding the most inebriated monkey in any given stadium.  Okay, fine.  It’s still about that….but our staff is getting more creative; more artsy.  Here’s a photo that is pure ingenuity, especially knowing what we know now.  Anyone from the Cardinals ticket office that tells you that they’re not concerned about the departure of Albert Pujols is lying to your face.

Something tells us that Christmas dinner at this household was a little somber this holiday season.

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#23: 10 (er, um 11) World Championships!!!

Before the eventual loss of that one Latino first-baseman, the Cardinals beat historically-insurmountable odds to not only reach the postseason, but win it.  Needless to say, no one thought that 2011 would be the year that the Cardinals won their franchise’s 11th World Championship.  Especially the clown below.  But hey, that’s nothing a little electrical tape from the garage can’t solve.  Boom.  11 World Championships now, kids.  Bet you didn’t even notice.  If a surrounding inhabitant suddenly needs to wrap and insulate a frayed power cord, this guy will have a serious decision on his hands.  Assist or keep his handiwork in tact.  Tough call.

We apologize for the graininess of the photo.  We send our fan hunters into the harshest condition to deliver you the madness.

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#22: Red Suit “Man”

Our fan hunters didn’t invest the necessary research to determine the gender of this fan, but he/she/it caught our cameras before Game 6 of the World Series. Shim makes this particular list specifically because we think that stuffing a pair of eyeglasses underneath a suit that is supposed to be razor-smooth is comical. The only thing more humorous would have been eyeglasses strapped to the outside of the costume.

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#21: Fear the RED DOG

It’s nice to see that the Number 69 is still a viable jersey option in 2011.  And here we thought its hilarity intersected for a brief moment in history with “Beavis and Butthead” and “Billy Madison.”  Apparently, we were wrong.  It’s still hilarious.  At least it is to a local hooligan who goes as “RED DOG”.  Our sources could not confirm nor deny that this was actually Mark McGwire, but one thing is for sure, fear was struck in the eyes of a Busch Stadium attendant one early morning in April.

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#20: PARTY MARTY

Football hooligans often use personalized jerseys as a billboard to show how they’re the life of the party. This is certainly true for PARTY MARTY, who not only has a personalized jersey with his (self-appointed) nickname on the back, but an inscribed hat with the same moniker.  True fan.  Oh, and of course, he’s assigned himself the number one.  Party Marty is also waiting to pay $20 for a photograph with Kyle Turley.

We desperately long for a wrestling match between Party Marty and REDDOG.  Chairs, pipes, biting, whatever.

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#19: You Are Sooooooo Taguchi

If you’re blowing money on a #99 jersey that doesn’t involve Rick Vaughn, there’s no reason to ignore a joke that approximately 89% of Cardinals fans broke out at some point or another during Soooooo Taguchi’s career in St. Louis.

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18: Scott Rolen Hater

Typically, duct tape on a jersey involves modifying an old player’s name to satisfy the current jersey number inhabitant.  While it’s highly irreverent to the old player, it’s also a swift kick to the ego of the new player that the modified jersey exhibits.  You know, since said “new player” isn’t worthy enough (yet) to merit the purchasing of a real jersey.

Sitting on the third-base line with the Cincinnati Reds and Scott Rolen in September, the gentleman below brought the heat.  He didn’t leverage duct tape to sport a makeshift Tyler Greene or Ron Villone jersey (the only two Cardinal players to wear #27 since Rolen’s departure).  No, sir.  He went old school, so as to tell the former Cardinals All-Star that he always preferred Todd Zeile’s tenure in St. Louis.  Todd Zeile is THE #27, Mr. Rolen.  Not you.  Brilliance.

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#17: Jesus is #1

The excitement at the Cardinals World Series Parade reached a critical mass. Local fans have been waiting a lifetime for an event of this magnitude. That is, fans under the age of five. Hey-oooo!! Chicago Cubs fan zing. Anyway, we’re not big fans of religious activists because they’re usually looking for trouble, but this fan sign is just tremendous. Our scouts tell us Jesus had one heck of a curveball.

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#16: The Least Creative Blues Jersey Ever

Due an undying affinity to poke fun at hooligans and buffoons (especially at hockey game), we tend to overlook jerseys that are simplistically stupid. That is, until we noticed the following fellow nitwit at Scottrade Center in October.

The last name: BLUES. The number: um, one. You know, because the Blues are #1. Or #5 in the Western Conference. But hey, that’s a little long to fit on a jersey nameplate.  We deduct more points for violating the sanctity of #1.  On the hockey side, that’s reserved for Pat Jablonski and Pat Jablonski only.

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#15: Bleacher Bum Art

A shirtless man…with a skullet…sitting in the last row of the Busch Stadium bleachers….slugging a Budweiser…wrapped in a brought-from-home bottle koozie?  You know, not all of our favorite fan photos feature a crazed lunatic in a ridiculous jersey.  Oh, no.  This one should be classified as “art.”  Poster-sized prints on canvas should be made available immediately.  Hang this sucker above the fireplace.

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#14: Another La Russa Sobriety Fan

Arguably, the most infamous fan jersey we’ve posted at JoeSportsFan.com is the LARUSSA #.093 jersey that was captured at Busch Stadium in 2007 a few weeks after the Cardinals skipper was dinged for a DUI in Spring Training. The jersey accumulated quite a few laughs at the time, but granted, the news was fresh. More than four years later, another fan at Busch Stadium apparently believes the joke still has legs.

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#13: Fredbird’s biggest fan

We’re big fans of mullets because they typically reside on Bon Jovi roadies, carnival ride operators and St. Louis sports fans.  All unintentionally-hilarious individuals.  Now, this  hairdo is usually accompanied with a bold attitude.  Thus, when we see a party-in-the-back touching the shoulders of a Cardinals jersey, we expect it to complement the edgy disposition.  Fredbird?  Pardon our pun, but he’s the softest creature in the stadium.

This jersey is extra offensive since Fredbird doesn’t wear the Number One, or any number for that matter.  Besides, the Number One is retired and unavailable.  It belongs to Ozzie, not some grown man dressed as a bird.

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#12: Dave, bro. Dave.

2011 saw U2 playing live on the field of Busch Stadium in mid-July. But let us not forgot those that have come before Bono and the boys. The gentleman below certainly hasn’t. Although, we may be jumping to conclusions here. The rationalist in us postulates that this guy bought a personalized Dave Matthews Band jersey when they came to Busch Stadium in 2008. DMB + Busch Stadium = Cardinals jersey. Then again, who the hell knows. One thing is for sure, this guy really likes the Dave Matthews Band and the song “#41“.

Or maybe his initials are “DMB” and he really likes Mitchell Boggs. Either way, we’re guessing this guy would challenge you to a timed keg-stand immediately.

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#11: Joe Namath Rams Fan

The Cardinals World Series parade brought fanatics out of the woodwork. The levels of obscurity were almost tough to comprehend. We saw a Spiezio jersey. A Joe Mather. Heck, even a Tom Brunanski. But the most random jersey we saw wasn’t a Cardinals jersey at all.  It was a Joe Namath Rams jersey.  A Joe Namath Rams jersey at a St. Louis Cardinals World Series parade. Yikes. Namath played one season (of thirteen) for the LOS ANGELES Rams.  Joe Namath is a New York Jet.  Period.

That’s like wearing a Tino Martinez Cardinals jersey to a New York Giants Super Bowl parade.

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#10: Louie’s Number One Fan

Generally speaking, mascots scare the bejesus out of us.  They’re overly animated, abrasive and rarely wear pants.  That behavior outside of a fur suit will land you a night in the slammer.  Nevertheless, we accept that kids love mascots.  Photographs, high-fives, hugs: all acceptable.  A personalized jersey: yeah, a little bizarre.  This particular mascot jersey beats FREDBIRD at #13 on our rankings because it’s complemented by a signature from that mascot.

It’s even MORE bizarre when said fan is accompanied by a man wearing a replica jersey from TJ Oshie’s COLLEGE career at North Dakota.

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#9: Four Twenty

Not to be outdone by the Dave Matthews Band bro above, this renaissance man explicitly announced to the world “I like marijuana” through a customized Cardinals jersey. Interesting. Also interesting: there’s about a 92% chance that this is actually Jeff Weaver.

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#8: Ole Rust

There’s only one event that can match the weirdos per capita of a Cardinals World Series Parade: the annual Winter Warm-up. With Busch Stadium sitting dormant in the January frost, Winter Warm-up is tremendous opportunity for fans to show their support for the home team.  Since fans won’t break out their Cardinals gear for another for three months, they tend to go a little nutty. That is, with their attire.  Or, in Rust’s case, with their hairdos.

Added weirdo bonus: the last player to wear #73: Ricardo Rincon.  But we’re guessing #73 is an homage to Rust’s high rank in World of Warcraft.

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#7: Bradford Duct Tape

Despite a mediocre ’11 season bridled with injuries, there was significant hype surrounding Sam Bradford’s rookie season as the Rams quarterback. He led the Rams to a 7-9 record, smiled a lot and signed a big contract to endorse Charter before his team played their first game in 2011. But some fans weren’t totally convinced. At least, not enough to fork over $100 bucks for a Sam Bradford jersey. Instead, this woman turned an old Torry Holt jersey into a Sam Bradford jersey with a little assistance from a trusty roll of duct tape.

Is there anything duct tape can’t do (except hold together the Rams offensive line, of course)?

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#6: Paul Kariya Blues/Ducks Fan

The St. Louis Blues have delivered some excitement this season. Given the past few season of over-promising, most fans and media had their doubts. Veteran leadership crumbled. Young talent faltered and was injured frequently. Fans were looking for a player to embrace in 2011.  And what better player to embrace than one that announced his retirement before the Blues season even began this year.

And heck, because his time in St. Louis was subpar, you sure as hell better split that jersey down the middle to support said player’s time with a franchise named after a Disney movie.

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#5: YOUR NAME

Generic team jerseys exist in every baseball merchandise shop across the country. Likewise, on graphical advertisements at MLB online outlets. They exist as a call-to-action; to let fans know that personalization is an option. But we’ve never seen these jerseys in the wild. That is, before this year. We suppose the real loser here is the store-front mannequin that stood momentarily naked in some merchandise store.

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#4: ANGEL #69

Needless to say, the St. Louis Rams didn’t live up to expectations in 2011. Ironically, that failure is impressive considering it’s hard to have any expectations following a 1-15 and a 7-9 season. Nevertheless, a pre-season pep rally is a time for fans to show up and celebrate a clean slate. A rebirth of optimism, if you will.  Apparently, it’s also time to proudly display your “Angel #69″ jersey.  With kids.  Classy.

And who says #69 jerseys are for overweight fraternity meatheads?  This woman is real activist.  The Number 69 is a unisex jersey option.

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#3: Hull and Oates, Together Again

Brett Hull and Adam Oates are synonymous in St. Louis. They go together like Busch Stadium and the Clydesdales or Fox Sports Midwest and toupees. Needless to say, when we saw a man wearing a HULL jersey and a woman wearing an OATES jersey, our heart skipped a beat. True love is possible these days, kids.

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#2: BUTJOLS

Yes yes, the jersey is combination of Kansas City’s “BUTLER” and St. Louis’ “PUJOLS” and describes something of the nether region.  Hilarious.  But seriously, the patchwork.  It looks like this guy constructed this product with a Swiss Army knife and a few safety pins.  The two MLB logos on the collar are a nice touch.

More importantly, we’d like to point out that this gentleman appears to be an otherwise upstanding citizen (minus the jersey and all).  His hair is trimmed and his jersey is belted tightly into a pair of khakis.  We love raw meatheads, but this juxtaposition of normal/abnormal is fascinating.  Let’s say he’s an otherwise regular dude.  Regular dudes have jobs, and thus, bosses.  Let’s say Regular Dude takes a trip to the urinal and runs into said boss at the concession stand.  How does that discussion go?  What if boss is with spouse?  How does that introduction go?  Is this event noted on Regular Dude’s annual review?  These are the things we think about at night.

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#1: Chris Sabo Cardinals Fan

We’ve seen just about every jersey out there. The retro, the personal, the obscene. And the really obscene.  Lately, our preference is with the obscure.  Really obscure.  As such, we’re often asked what obscure Cardinals jersey has eluded our fan hunters.

The answer is simple: Chris Sabo.

Sure, his career in St. Louis only spanned a few games, but the man is a cult hero and we were proud to call him one of our own for a brief period in baseball history. Thus, you can imagine our amazement when a (St. Louis) Chris Sabo fan….with complementary REC SPECS…wandered in front of our lens this summer. Our bucket list got a little thinner that day.

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We’re going to comply with this internet mandate and provide a one-stop-shop for some of our best Photoshop cartoons from the past twelve months.  There’s no particular order below.  Some were the most-viewed, some were the most-bizarre.  Okay, fine.  They’ll all pretty damn bizarre.

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Even before the Cardinals negotiations with Albert Pujols halted in Spring Training, things weren’t pointing in a positive direction.  With most baseball news sitting dormant in January of 2011, Albert Pujols re-branded himself and his personal website.  The resulting logo featured many similar aspects of another hero that left his home town in the dust.

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One word become synonymous with the 2011 St. Louis sports year: Albertageddon.  Origins date back to the first week of Spring Training in March and a word with that much passion and intrigue needed a movie poster to highlight some of the key players.

And, you see, St. Louis.  We didn’t die.

Just like Ben Affleck; he survived.

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Following the first round of Albert Pujols negotiations/dryhump, we put together a collection of our favorite Pujols fans for a festive Opening Day desktop wallpaper.

Perhaps the biggest surprise in the whole Pujols/Anaheim thing is that, somehow, all of these jerseys are even more ridiculous than they were in March.  We’re not sure how that’s possible.

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Former Cardinals, um, “pitcher”, Mark Mulder joined the ESPN “Baseball Tonight” staff as Spring Training drew to a close.  By all accounts, he’s a tremendous addition to their team, however, we’re told that ESPN’s budget for ice and compression sleeves went up 550% since he joined.

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With a new rotation of crappy local commercials for the new Cardinals season on Fox Sports Midwest, we bid farewell to some familiar favorites.  This included the Sonic commercial featuring Rick Horton and future World Series MVP David Freese.

Even though the commercial sits dormant, Ricky still gets a kick out of Fredbird.

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With Nick Punto, Skip Schumaker, Ryan Theriot, Daniel Descalso and approximately fifteen other small white guys that visited the Cardinals roster throughout the year, we introduced official “Scrap-e-grams”.  Scrap-e-grams should be printed out (on recycled paper, obviously) are given out to fellow friends and family that have demonstrated hard work and courage in the face of adversity.

More scrap-e-grams here, here and here.

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The annual series against the Kansas City Royals is always a blast because it provides a legitimate excuse to make a plethora of 1985 references.  Mixed with a solid reference to “Oregon Trail“, this was one of our favorites this season.

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References to the 1985 Cardinals usually involve screen caps from the epic “Heck of Year”.  A real piece of cinematic brilliance, there.  We’ve seen the film over 1000 times, but we don’t remember Jack Clark saying that.  Hmm, guess we’ll have to watch it again.  And again.

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Fact: when Albert Pujols trots home after a game-winning blast, he imagines being surrounded by 24 other Albert Pujolses (we’re not sure if that’s the correct plural form of “Pujols”, but we’re running with it).

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Being a sports journalist is tough work.  It takes patience, dedication and an eye for detail.  Derrick Goold is one of the best in the business and demonstrated his unparalleled chameleon abilities during a mid-June clubhouse interview Matt Holliday.

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This season we also introduced “Hybrid Cardinals Baseball Cards”.  Yeah, things got a little weird this year.  Nevertheless, the collection included a mash-up of Skip Schumaker and Mark McGwire – which unlocked the inspiration for 1987′s film “Harry and the Henderson”.

More hybrid baseball cards here, here, here and here.

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Franky, this one needs very little introduction.

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Yadier Molina went a little nutty in an August game against the Milwaukee Brewers.  The nuttiness featured Molina yelling/spitting in the face of umpire Rob Drake in the 10th inning and resulted in an eventual suspension for the Cardinals catcher.

Spit + baseball + over-reactions + “guy named Drake” = a Seinfeld inspired Photoshop.

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August 22nd was Matt Holliday Bobblehead Day at Busch Stadium.  Like most Bobbleheads, it looked nothing like its human counterpart and left something to be desired.   We conceptualized what it should have looked like.

A updated copy of this graphic would inevitably include a moth in Holliday’s right ear.  And probably another Creed reference.

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“Beast Mode” became the mantra of the 2011 Milwaukee Brewers.  Even before the Cardinals extinguished them from the 2011 playoffs, we outed this slogan as fraudulent.  Hey, it’s what we do.  Other writers around town are breaking news about contracts, trades and injuries.  Our efforts are in demonstrating phony Pixar movie references.  Everyone has their place in this industry.

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The World Series provided its own highlight reel of memories, but we need not forget about the six-game NLCS against the Milwaukee Brewers – which was filled with the most postseason hatred since 1987′s series against Jeffrey Leonard and the San Francisco Giants.

When it ended, Yadier Molina provided us with a photo that simply could not be left untouched.

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Our favorite thing about football season in St. Louis is Tony Softli, an analyst for 101 ESPN.  He’s also the former VP of Player Personnel with the Rams, but frankly, we enjoyed him in “Toy Story 2″ the most.

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Following the Cardinals 11th World Series in franchise history, the rumor mill heated up (again) regarding Albert Pujols’ contract status.  As it turns out, no one really knew anything until the Angels entered the bidding roughly 24 hours before signing Pujols.  Before that, it was a cornucopia of heresy and speculation.

To make the “news” a little less nauseating, we created an exclusive BINGO card.  Unfortunately, there were no winners.  We were all losers through this mess.

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So, the St. Louis Rams.  What can you say about a franchise that has gone 9-37 the past three seasons?  As it turns out, not much – which is why we created the following motivational poster.

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Albert Pujols’ departure was tough on a lot of people, but no more than Yadier Molina.  As a touching parting gift that left several clubhouse observers in tears, Molina presented Pujols with this special gift.

Hand-made sentiments are always the best.  Especially when they’re made with bubble paint.

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Albert Pujols career in St. Louis will forever be remembered for two World Championships, three National League MVP trophies and a countless number of Jose Oquendo stop signs ignored.

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One such effort was a plea to Blues head coach Davis Payne to shave the mysterious island of hair on the front of his coconut.

Well, the Blues first (televised) game of the season occurred this past weekend and we’re happy to report that Payne’s refuge of hair follicles has disappeared.

Yeah!!!!

While we head off to update our résumé, we’ll leave you wondering if there’s anything that the internet can’t achieve.

Now talk amongst yourselves.

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Allow us to stop here and give everyone a chance for the marketing campaign to soak in for a second.

“Don’t Stop Believing”

That’s right, as in the title of Journey’s seminal anthem from the album “Escape”.  We found it an extremely baffling choice, especially considering that the Blues marketing crew has worked miracles the past few seasons; filling Scottrade Center with strategic promotions and entertainment, despite substandard performances from over-hyped rosters.

Let’s see if we can decipher why the Blues would make such a choice.

1.) THE LYRICS  JUST SEEM TO FIT

Hmm, let’s see…

Just a small town girl, livin’ in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin’ anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit

Yikes.  Born and raised in south Detroit?  This song mentions the city of a conference foe in the first verse?

Not good.  No, not good at all.

2.) THE SONG HAS NEVER BEEN MORE POPULAR

That’s true.  “Don’t Stop Believing” reached #9 on the Billboard charts in 1981, but has made an odd resurgence over the past half-decade with strategic inclusions on various movies and television soundtracks.  In fact, it is the highest-selling single in iTunes history.  But that’s just it; it’s become *too* popular.  Rule of thumb: if the song can be played on more than three cross-genre radio stations and has also been featured on “Glee“, it shouldn’t be a professional organization’s slogan.

That being said, the song touches a large demographic.  Teenagers and adults both have a strong appreciation for Journey and we suppose “Don’t Stop Believing” makes logical sense for athletic endeavors.  The following slogans just don’t make sense, although we wouldn’t be surprised if they were brought to the table.

3.) THIS SONG HAS NEVER BEEN USED BEFORE

False.

The Chicago White Sox used this song as their team anthem en route to a World Series Championship in 2005.  In 2005.  As in, before “Glee” – when the song officially jumped the shark.

4.) STEVE PERRY HAS A KILLER MULLET

Factual.  The lead singer of Journey had one of the finest mullets of his generation.  Given that approximately 75% of the upper tank at Scottrade Center bears a similar ensemble, designating Steve Perry as a team icon probably isn’t a bad idea.

But Perry cut the mullet, he isn’t a Blues fan and isn’t the lead singer of “Journey” anymore.  The new guy can wail and it’s enviable how well he’s recovered from his divorce from Kate Gosselin.  But he doesn’t have a mullet.  And he isn’t a Blues fan either.  Lame.

5.) IT’S A REFERENCE TO THE ’80-’81 BLUES

As previously mentioned, “Don’t Stop Believing” was initially released in 1981.  The Blues has quite a season that year, accumulating their second highest season point total (107) in franchise history.  They finished first in the Western Conference and lost in the second-round of the playoffs (duh).  It’s possible the Blues marketing team wanted to reference some retro success with this year’s slogan.

Now here’s where things get really strange: Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” finished #10 on the Billboard charts in ’81.  The Cardinals used that song as their team anthem en route to a World Series Championship in 1982.

6.) THEIR OLD TEAM SLOGAN STUNK

This one stings the most because it’s 100% untrue.  The Blues’ previous team slogan, “Bleed Blue” was simple, unique and provided some fantastic graphical assets and tattoo ideas.

We’re big fans of sticking with what works.  Kind of like playing “Blades of Steel” on Nintendo.  Man, that game never gets old.

For more thoughts on this campaign, track our friends over at St. Louis Gametime and Frozen Notes.

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We have no idea what he’s talking about, because we typically watch local sports news on mute.  The visuals are enough hilarity for us, thanks.  And this one is no different.

We’re told that friends bet John Davidson that he couldn’t get his chest hair prominently displayed on the 10pm news.  They were wrong.  Very wrong.

We also couldn’t help but notice that he’s rocking a gold Blues logo medallion.  Very nice.  Coupled with the chest hair and mustache, John Davidson is always one hot tub away from a “Swingers“performance.

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For most analysts, this means a careful dissection of the current roster and payroll.  For us, it means a formal review of how many Big Mac’s were given away by McDonald’s this season when the Blues scored four goals at home.

Enjoy.

(CLICK GRAPHIC BELOW FOR HIGH-RES VERSION)

Of course, we must provide the caveat that not *all* Big Mac giveaways were claimed….or eaten in whole.  I picked one up after a four-goal game, but only ate half.  Sesame seeds are tremendously overrated.  So is that secret sauce.  Nasty.

Oh well.  At the very least, we hope this guy was able to enjoy a few.

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Blues Ranks #1 Overall by ESPN.com

This season started with tremendous progress.  So much, in fact, that ESPN.com ranked the Blues #1 in their Week 5 Power Rankings.  They finished the regular season ranked #20.

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This guy

The Canucks finished the season ranked #1 and carrying that seed into the NHL Playoffs.  But please don’t tell this guy.

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Blues hat featured in “Life As We Know It”

In all honesty, Blues fans should have known karma wasn’t on their side when John Duhamel rocked a Blues hat in “Life As We Know It” with Katherine Heigl…and their baby took a dump in it.

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Ray Vinson/Bernie Federko Commercial

An NHL Hall of Famer and local mortgage lender: a match made in heaven.  Put them in some sort of fake living room at Home Depot…add a bowl of popcorn and an extremely-emphatic high-five…and you have instant gold.

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The infamous Blues knee tattoo

There aren’t a lot words to describe the fan with a knee-tat that regularly sat behind the Blues bench this season. It’s extremely odd, even for Blues fans.

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Brett Hull Statue

The Blues unveiled a Brett Hull statue in front of the Scottrade Center to kick off the ’10-’11 season.  It’s a nice addition.  Personally, we like how his hands are in the air…like he’s being held at gunpoint in front of Scottrade Center.  Truth be told, depending on what time of the night it is, that’s not far off.

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One of our favorite fan photos of all-time. Brett Hull, Adam Oates, holding hands.  That hit a soft spot in our heart.  So much, in fact, we featured this couple in the March issue of St. Louis Sports Magazine.

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Towel Man Goes Big Time

The attention-starved, cotton-slinging hooligan in the upper tank at Scottrade Center got his own McDonald’s commercial this season.  And, why not?  The guy is a legend for simply being able to annoy the piss out of every man, woman and child in St. Louis without being body-checked over the rail in Section 314.  That deserves its own commercial.

Fan Jersey of the Year

It wouldn’t be right if we didn’t include at least one Blues fan jersey from this season.  In fact, here’s two questionable allegiances, right next to each other.  A jersey that honors the Blues’ mascot….and a jersey that honors TJ Oshie’s college career at North Dakota.

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While details of Checketts’ motive are still emerging, speculation for potential suitors is still minimal, so allow us to name a few logical possibilities.

Mike Keenan’s high-priced demeanor has accumulated quite the bankroll over the past three decades.  He’s currently preoccupied as an analyst for New York Rangers broadcasts, but ownership opportunities will have him itching for a return to St. Louis.

Iron Mike’s first order of business as the Blues new majority share-holder? Destroy the recently-erected Brett Hull statue in front of Scottrade Center.

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Dirt Cheap Cigarettes, Beer and Liquor have been premium advertisers of the Blues for years now.  And, why not?  It makes sense.  If there are two things hockey fans like more than the game itself, it’s beer and cigarettes.  Now is the time for Dirt Cheap to graduate from “premium advertiser” to “team owner”.

We can see it now.  Dirt Cheap purchases the naming right from Scottrade, so the Blues home effectively becomes, “The Dirt Cheap Center.”  They kick Louie to the curb and install the Dirt Cheap Chicken as the teams mascot, and then open a spanking-new downtown location in the renovated Kiel Opera House.  Now that would actually serve Blues fans and the local homeless.  It’s a win-win.

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The face of Ray Vinson Mortgage Group has already conquered the local real estate industry despite obvious hair plugs and a mean set of dentures, so why not test the waters of team ownership?

Besides, he already has a tremendous chemistry with Blues legend, Bernie Federko – which should bode well for organizational endeavors.  Experts say that draft preparation and marketing prowess are what leads an NHL organization to success, but for Ray it’s simpler than that.  High fives.  And popcorn.  Gotta have popcorn.

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St. Louis’ biggest attention whore this side of Tim McKernan is always looking for additional opportunities to put himself in the spotlight.

Towel Man obtaining ownership in his beloved team rivals Roger Dorn buying the Cleveland Indians in “Major League II”.  If you think Towel Man is unbearable in the nose-bleeds of Scottrade Center, wait until he declares his own Bobblehead night on January 23rd.

Get it?  1/23.  1-2-3?  Oh, that was gold, baby.

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Shahid Khan lost out on his desire to purchase the St. Louis Rams, so his interest in the Blues is obvious – especially since they play Stan Kroenke’s Colorado Avalanche four times per season.

But let’s be real, here. Khan makes sense as the Blues’ owner because he has a killer mustache.  Final research numbers are still pending, but early results reveal that 84.3% of Blues fans have mustaches.

92.9% have mullets.

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As we discussed last week, Nelson Emerson was tremendously snubbed in this whole ordeal.  He was small, fast, gritty and white.  Those four attributes are a recipe for success in St. Louis.  Just ask Bo Hart, Stubby Clapp and Joe McEwing.

We were ready to let this evening come and go, but an advertisement at Scottrade Center caught our eye this past weekend.

The recommendation to honor Nelson Emerson was in front of the Blues the entire time.

Frankly, we’re surprised the Blues didn’t see this, include Nelson Emerson in the festivities, and attempt to wrap another advertising campaign around Emerson’s presence at Scottrade Center.

Oh well, Nelson.  You’ll always be Number 7 in the score book, but you’ll always be Number 1 in our heart.

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email: matt@joesportsfan.com
tweet: @MattSebek